Drunken Soldier
by Arashi32900
Summary: 2007 movieverse This is why you do not let Decepticon Warlords near alcohol. They tend to do bad things while drunk. Such as molesting their archnemesis. MegatronxOptimus. Oneshot. Read and review, please.


Disclaimer: I do not own Transformers. If I did, MegatronxOptimus would be canon. This is because I am a sadistic bitch. Much love, Arashi32900.

* * *

Optimus sighed for what seemed like the thousandth time that night. He peered through the fingers of the hand that was currently cradling his head and took in the scene before him. Sitting on his bed with an all mighty scowl on his face was the former Lord High Protector, Megatron. In human form. How did this incident occur, you ask? Well, when young Samuel Witwicky pushed the All Spark into Megatron's chest, it did not extingush his life as many would have thought. Instead, the All Spark had fufilled its primary purpose: to create life. In short, it had turned him into a human, the very creature he had despised and sought to destroy. Then it had slowly spread out to every Transformer on Earth who was connected to Megatron. They had all been very sickly at first. The Autobots had been lucky in that they had human allies who had aided them during their distressed state. The Decepticons had been found by the local hospital workers and volunteers who were cleaning up the mess that was Misson City and looking for survivors. The naked, newly humans had been taken to the hospital where they had been dumped upon a poor, over-worked doctor named Beth. She had protested at first but then had grudgingly agreed.

Musing over it, Optimus thought that Beth did a fairly good job at keeping Megatron in line. If Megatron began misbehaving, Beth threatened to put something nasty in his food. That usually put him off whatever he had been plotting very fast, because he knew that the human medic would do it. However, there was one thing that Beth had not been able to keep Megatron from doing, mostly because she didn't know that he was doing it. And what was he doing? Getting absolutely plastered, that's what he was doing. He had taken up the human habit after having inquired as to why the human female had the liquid. Beth had answered that sometimes man just needs to get drunk. And, boy, did Megatron feel like he needed to get drunk. This was because Starscream, sick of being treated like crap, had given Megatron an ultimatium; either he start treating his former second better (because they couldn't very well take over the universe as _humans_, now could they?) or Starscream was leaving. Megatron refused and Starscream had left. And he hadn't come back. The former Decepticon Air Force Commander had managed to get a job as a mechanic. He was very good at it too, being a former giant robot and all. Optimus remembered vaguely Megatron ranting something about how Starscream had gotten a certain nickname from his fellow workers and his customers. Now what was it? Something mechanic, something mechanic…

"A-and the s-stupid…humans…have-hic-even g-given him a stupid slagging n-nickname. U-uber mechanic! Hah!"

Ah, yes. That was it. Uber mechanic.

Optimus watched worriedly as Megatron downed another swig of Beth's wine and began swaying slightly, even though he was sitting down. Primus, Megatron should _know_ that their new bodies could _not_ handle large amounts of alcoholic beverages. This had been going on a few nights now. Megatron would call Prime on his phone and demand, with a certain tilt to his voice that allowed the former Autobot Commander to know that his archnemesis was already getting drunk, that Prime haul his aft over to the human medic's house _now._ Once there, he would be subjected to listening to Megatron rant and rave over Starscream and how dare he leave him, who did he think he was? And so on and so forth. To put it bluntly, Optimus was sick of it.

Normally, Optimus Prime was a very, very patient person. Some might say (coughMegatroncough) an _annoyingly_ patient person. But the man was seriously reaching his limit. He had been called over to Beth's house seven times this week and sometimes Megatron would call after he had just gotten home, whining about how Prime had left him. It was getting to be very nerve-grating. Besides that he was tired of Ironhide questioning him immediately after he got back.

Was he all right? Did that slagging bastard do anything to him? Did he need Ironhide to go get his guns and blow the Decepticon Lord's brains out?

_That's it. I'm going home._ Optimus thought determinedly.

"Megatron, that's enough. If all you're going to do is drink, and get yourself more and more intoxicated, then I do not think that my prescence is required any longer."

"W-what the-hic-krell do you mean?"

Prime struggled to keep himself from rolling his eyes in exasperation.

"I mean I am going home. Unless you have forgotten, our new bodies need recharge every night. I am feeling rather tired and would simply like to go to bed. Besides, I would rather not stay and listen to you further berate Starscream. It is growing taxing."

With that the former Autobot Commander turned to leave the room. He heard a rustling from Megatron's perch and a faint, disturbing mumbling sound.

He turned to ask Megatron to please repeat what he had said, when the sound of breaking glass was heard as the wine bottle the warlord had currently been holding came crashing down on Prime's head.

Optimus swayed where he stood, blinking the glass shards out of his eyes. Looking at Megatron, he saw a slow, hot grin spread across the man's face, threatening to split it in two.

_This CANNOT mean good things for me _was his last thought before he fell into the madman's waiting arms.

* * *

Megatron smirked down at Prime as he sat him into a chair and began his work. He pulled at a length of rope and began tying it tightly around the unconsicous man's body, arms, and legs. Meticously, he made sure that there was no slack and no sign of weakness as he began wrapping ducktape around the rope to reinforce it. As he did so, Megatron had no problem admiring his captive's body. A toned chest and muscular thighs. Not to mention the Autobot had been given a nice ass.

Sneakily, Megatron ran a hand up Optimus's torso. Nice, very nice. Oh, he and Prime were going to have much fun. Yes, they were.

"I told you, Prime. You can't leave me."

The Decepticon Lord's eyes narrowed down to slits and, digging his nails lightly into Optimus's cheek, Megatron whispered softly to him.

"I won't _let _you leave me."

Prime's head hung in reply. He looked at the nasty gash left on the Autobot's head from the wine bottle. He would have to fix that later, the Lord High Protector thought absently. He looked at Optimus's mouth. Oh, how he wanted to taste that mouth right now. Clutching Prime's chin in his hand, he closed the gap between them. Forcing his tongue into the other man's mouth, Megatron moaned. Lazily, he ran his tongue over Optimus's teeth to the back of his throat. Greedily claiming every part of his mouth, Megatron was becoming as drunk on Prime as he was on Beth's cheap wine. Finally, he tore his mouth away from the Autobot Commander's, cursing humans and their need for oxygen.

Oh, well. It's not like he couldn't do that again. And again. And again. After all, he and Optimus Prime were going to be here together for a very, very long time.

* * *

_Oh Primus, what happened to my head?_

Blearily, Optimus's eyes began to flutter open. He blinked slowly, trying to gather his thoughts, fighting against the throbbing pain in his head. As he closed his eyes and opened them again, he felt something wet drip against his face and nose. Then it all came rushing back to him. He had tried to leave for home. Megatron had said something. He had turned around and that was when Megatron had slammed his wine bottle down on Optimus's head.

_Ironhide was right. I really shouldn't have come over here when Megatron called. _

It was with a heightened degree of fear that Prime realized that there was a hand on his cheek. A hand that was cradling his cheek. Optimus was well aware that both his arms and legs were restrained to a chair that he had been seated in, so that hand could not be his. Lifting his head, the Autobot felt his heart give a sickening thud.

Megatron was leering down at him with an extremely self-satisfied look on his face. Looking at him, Optimus could tell that he was still very drunk.

He opened his mouth to try and speak but the only sounds he could make were muffled grunts and groans.

"Are you comfortable, Prime. I am _terribly_ sorry about hitting you with that bottle of wine, but you see, you gave me no other choice! Not when you were trying to leave me."

Optimus's eyes widened as Megatron's words became more and more disturbing. Megatron leaned closer to him, Optimus trying his damn hardest to move away from him, terrified of the look in Megatron's eyes. If he had see simply hate or sadism in his foe's eyes, then he would have been fine. That would have been normal. But there was something else in Megatron's eyes, something that frightened the Autotbot Commander to the core.

"You can't leave me, Prime. I won't allow it. You aren't going to leave this room. Ever. You won't be untied from that chair. The only times that duct tape is going to be removed from your mouth is when you are to be fed, and I am the one who will be doing the feeding. There will also be other things that are….required from you." he said, accentuating that statement by gently groping Optimus's body.

_Oh Primus. Oh Primus, no. NO!_

Prime began to struggle viciously against his bonds, trying to find some slack, some give, anything that would allow him to tear through the mass of rope and tape, so that he might escape from this maniac. But there was none.

_Funny, how he's more thorough when he's drunk._

Megatron's smirk grew as he watched Prime's body flex against his bonds. Let him struggle. After all, wasn't Prime always the one that had foiled his plans? But he was the one who Megatron had captured this time. There was no one who could help him now. With this thought firmly entrenched in his mind, he started kissing Prime's cheek, working his way downwards.

But Megatron was wrong.

* * *

"Stupid goddamn jackasses who don't fucking watch where they're going on the goddamn road. Need to get their drivers' liscenses revoked…."

"Bad day?" was Barricade's inquiry as their human benefactor slammed the front door open and trudged through, glowering at everything in general.

"Yeah. Some idiot nearly rear-ended me. Goddamn bastard was probably drunk off his ass."

"You want Frenzy should go and blast him." Frenzy asked a little too eagerly, bouncing up and down on the couch. The spastic little hacker was fond of their guardian and did not take lightly to someone nearly hurting her. That and he had been rather bored lately. I mean, the Friday the 13th Marathon that he and Barricade had been watching had helped a _little_, but it just wasn't the _same_ as killing the person himself!

"Uh…no thanks, Frenzy, but yeah. If I'm lucky he'll get pulled over by a cop and spend the night in jail."

"Oh, I can think of some other things that the cop could do to him."Barricade murmered under his breath. Slag it, they _needed_ this human to live. He would not tolerate it if she came to harm because of some stupid human youth.

"Anyway, where's Megatron?"

"I think he had someone over."

"Really!? _He_ has friends? Well, I'll be damned."

"It's not exactly his friend that he called over. After all, it was Optimus…Prime…"

All occupants in the room froze.

"Barricade…"

"Yes?"

"How long have they been in that room alone together?"

"I don't know. It must have been hours."

There was a long pause, a pause where they all thought over the implications behind this. It could be summarized into two little words.

"Oh, shit." Frenzy said.

* * *

Megatron had just started unbuttoning the top of Prime's shirt to get better access to his neck when he heard Beth yell.

"MEGATRON!"

"Damn that medic and her impecable timing."

Sneering, he lightly smacked Optimus's cheek and strode toward the door.

"What, female?"

"Don't you "what, female?" me! What are you doing in there?"

"Oh, just molesting Prime."

"W-what!?"

"Just what I said. I'm molesting Prime. Also, I think I'll need some bandages. Prime has a rather nasty gash on his head."

"Where'd he get that!?"

"From where I hit him over the head with one of your wine bottles."

"YOU WHAT!?"

"Must you be so loud, woman?"

"MEGATRON, YOU LISTEN TO ME AND YOU LISTEN TO ME GOOD! YOU LET OPTIMUS OUT OF THERE RIGHT NOW!"

This got Megatron's attention. Let Prime out? Never! These slagging humans weren't going to take Prime away from him like they had taken Starscream!

"NEVER! NEVER, DO YOU HEAR ME, YOU DAMN HUMAN FEMALE!? YOU AREN'T GOING TO TAKE HIM FROM ME! I WON'T LET YOU! I'LL _KILL _YOU BEFORE I LET YOU! _I'LL SLAGGING KILL YOU!!!_"

Beth looked to Barricade and Frenzy, stunned at what Megatron had just said. However, she quickly recovered and began banging on the door again, cursing up a storm and promising dire consequences if Megatron did not listen to her _right now_! They were over all more threatening and much more creative then a simple "I'll slagging kill you."

Barricade, however, was getting worried. Lord Megatron had never threatened to kill the human female until now. His commander understood that the woman was their only lifeline on Earth now that they had become human. Without her, they would loose their home and be kicked out on the streets. Not only that but none of them knew how to take care of themselves. They _needed_ Beth. As Barricade listened to the sounds of his commander moving things in front of the door, he realized that he had not wanted to admit this to himself but it had become startingly clear with Lord Megatron's actions tonight: his leader had gone batshit crazy and would continue to do so unless they could somehow manage to get Starscream back.

"Megatron! Megatron! GODDAMNIT, MEGATRON, YOU OPEN THIS FUCKING DOOR RIGHT NOW!!! YOU GODDAMN-wait, is he….SNORING!?!"

This brought Barricade out of his plotting over how to convince Starscream to come back.

"What!?"

"He's snoring. He's goddamn snoring. He's probably completely plastered and now he's passed out. That asshole, how _dare_ he get more sleep then me…"

Barricade shook his head in slight disbelief. How…embarassing.

Then he noticed something.

"Where did Frenzy go?"

"Hey, now that you mention it…"

"COWABUNGA!!!!!!"

There was the sudden sound of breaking glass coming from Megatron's room and then….

"FRENZY HAS ARRIVED TO SAVE THE DAY!!!!!!! Oooh, that's a pretty red….."

Barricade slapped his forehead. Trust Frenzy to go crashing throught a window. That numbskull…well, at least he had managed to get in the room.

"Frenzy? Frenzy, is Optimus all right?"

"Yeah, he has a pretty color red on his head!"

Beth's scream was loud enough to shake the entire house.

"WHAT!? THE GODDAMN MOTHER-FUCKER!!!!! MEGATRON, WHEN I'M THROUGH WITH YOU, YOU'RE GOING TO WISH YOU'D NEVER BEEN FUCKING BORN!!!!!"

"Might I suggest that our top priority be getting Prime medical attention?"

"Right, right. Frenzy, open the door."

"But there are things in front of the door."

"Then move them!"

"Eeep…okay."

With that began the long, ardous task of freeing the Autobot leader from his bonds. Beth had made sure as she went into the room to kick Megatron in the ribs, who aside from groaning something about damn Go-bots, did not stir. Turning to her patient, Beth seethed. The man did indeed have a rather bad laceration on his scalp and looking at his face and neck, Megatron had begun sexually molesting his captive.

_Oh, he is SO dead tomorrow. You can count on it._

"Barricade, get that crap off him while I start taking care of that cut. Frenzy, you stand guard over Megatron and if he so much as flinches, you have full permisson to knock _him_ over the head with a wine bottle."

Optimus looked up at her wearily, thanks evident in his eyes. It had only been a few hours, but Megatron had obviously put the poor former mech through hell.

"Now, please hold still. I'm going to get this duct tape off your mouth. I'll try to be as gentle as possible, but most likely it's going to hurt like hell." See that was why she had decided to become a paramedic and not a nurse. Her bedside manner was horrible.

With that she slowly began to take the duct tape off of Prime's mouth. He winced slightly. The female medic had been right. It did hurt, but he didn't care. It was wonderful to just have the damned thing off.

"Thank…you."

Beth's eyes softened and she patted his arm.

"Don't worry, you're gonna be fine." Her eyes hardened. "And Megatron _will_ be punished for this. Goddamn asshole, hitting someone over the head with a fucking wine bottle and trying to molest them. Oooh, if he thinks that hangover of his is going to be bad, he's got another thing coming. And I think one of them involves a knife and his dick."

With that she began alternating between telling Optimus how sorry she was to how fucking sorry that bastard was going to be when he woke up and Barricade, be careful, all while cleaning up the laceration on Prime's head.

"That's it, I'm going to get some slagging scissors."

"That's cheating!" Frenzy cried.

"I don't give a slag. I'm getting some scissors."

Frenzy pouted.

"You'd better be careful with those goddamn scissors. The poor man's been through enough tonight." Beth reprimanded, throwing a poisonous glare in Megatron's direction. Megatron snored in retaliation. Beth threw a shoe at his head.

"Whatever happened to the doctor's creed not to harm?"

"I'm make an exception for asses whose names are spelled M-E-G-A-T-R-O-N."

Barricade rolled his eyes and went off in search of his scissors, leaving Beth to treatment and accompanying cursing and Frenzy to his mad giggling as he poked Megatron in the ribs.

* * *

Eventually Barricade had managed to get the thick mass of rope and duct tape off the Autobot Leader. He had thanked them and then high-tailed it for home. He was looking forward to a nice, long bath and the blissful oblivion known as sleep.

This was thwarted as soon as he opened the door.

"Optimus, man, are you…"

"Primus, Optimus, where did you get that bandage from!"

"Are those _rope burns_!?"

"I knew that slagger was going to do something, someday. WHERE THE PIT ARE MY GUNS!?!"

Optimus sighed. His night had just gotten even longer.

* * *

Megatron awoke to a pounding in his skull. Grabbing a pillow, he placed it over his head, hoping to try and make it go away. What in the name of the Pit had he been doing last night? He tried to remember but it all had dissolved into a pile of mush, soaked over with oil. Gah, he needed the medic.

"Woman, woman! My head…it hurts."

"Oh, poor baby." came the sarcastic drawl from right beside his bed.

Huh, what was she doing in his room? Usually he had to scream for her before she came into the room, cussing under her breath. So why was she here?

And that was when she kicked him right in the jaw.

"GAHH! WHAT THE KRELL WAS THAT FOR, WOMAN!?!!"

"That was for what you did last night. Optimus is too nice of a guy to do it himself."

"What does Prime have to do with anything?"

Beth glared at him with a digusted look on her face.

"You seriously don't remember, do you? You called Optimus over here like you've been doing ever since Starscream left your sorry ass," Here Megatron glared and pouted. "He came over dutifully as he always does, only this time when he tried to go home, you fucking hit him over the head with a wine bottle!"

"I did what!?"

"Yes. And then do you know what you did? You tied him to a goddamn chair with rope and duct tape, duct taping his mouth shut, and started sexually molesting him, because you were drunk off your ass. God only know what would have happened if you hadn't have passed out."

"Oh…Primus…"

"You are not allowed to call Optimus unless it is to apologize. And don't start with the whole "I don't have to apologize to _him_." bullshit. You really fucked up this time and you won't be allowed to contact him in any other way unless it is to apologize. And don't even think about being cute and trying to call him for any other reason. I will know that you did it. Also you are never to go near my liquor again. I'm putting a padlock on it."

"Agreed. I am never touching that foul substance again."

"Good. At least we agree on something. Oh, and Megatron…."

Megatron felt a knot of dread form in his stomach.

"Yes…?"

Beth's grin was wicked as she leaned toward him.

"Expect something _real_ nice in your dinner tonight. And the next. And the next."

Oh, slaggit all.

* * *

And that was how Megatron gave up alcohol. It was quite funny, actually. Frenzy had taken to holding up a bottle of wine and cracking up as Megatron looked at it and bolted from the room. Another result of the incident was Megatron's new-found fear of Ironhide, which occurred when shortly after Megatron had called and apologized as best he could to the Autobot Leader. Ironhide, Jazz, and Bumblebee (Ratchet too, although he claimed he was above such childishness) had listened into the conversation. Optimus had not told them much, mainly because he did not want to have to recount the horrible night and also partially because no matter how irritated and frightened he was of what Megatron had very nearily done to him, he did not want Ironhide to kill the former mech. Starscream's desertion had obviously come as a tremendous blow to the former warlord; it was understandable for the man to be having a nervous breakdown. That was no excuse for tying him to a chair though….

"Hello?"

"Um..uh..hello, Prime."

"Megatron…what do you want?"

"I…well…um…uh…I w-want to…"

"Yes?"

"Uh…I…THE FEMALE IS MAKING ME APOLOGIZE ALL RIGHT?!!"

"How about I simply take that as an apology and we never speak of it again?"

"Agreed."

CRASH.

Optimus blinked in surprise as the phone was snatched from his hand by an irate Ironhide. Ironhide then let out a volley of curses and death threats that are not suitable for small children's ears and would probably make your brains rot. By the end of his tirade, Megatron was holding the phone as far away from himself as possible. When Ironhide slammed the phone down on the receiver, Megatron backed away from it slowly, terrified that it would ring with the former Autobot Weapons Specialist calling to say he was heading over to carry out his threats. Megatron spent the next four days locked in his room.

Poor Decepticon warlord. Isn't it understandable that he never touched liquor again?


End file.
